Let's be honest: The dating scene is a tough one. I'm struggling here. You girls are complicated people. You want a lot of different things and you want them all at the same time. There's a lot of pressure on us guys. We have to be funny and smart and charming and take showers and a bunch of other stuff that I just don't have the time for.
It's embarrassing to admit, but I don't have the best luck with the ladies. I have a difficult time expressing my feelings. I have a badass reputation to uphold and I can't risk tarnishing it with letting people know I have feelings. It's just not worth it.
When I do finally muster the courage to let a girl know how I really feel, they always interrupt me by yelling things like "who are you?!" and "how did you get in here?!" It's all very disheartening.
However, I've finally found a solution to my romantic troubles. A place where I can meet someone special based on a completely fabricated image I've created for myself: the Internet! And I thought the Internet was only good for pornography and fantasy football! Ha!
I've just created my seekwealthy.com account, and I feel amazing. I've answered all the questions they've asked me and I feel confident that my answers will find me that special girl.
They've created the perfect questions that really show what kind of person you are. Take these two questions into consideration, which you are supposed to rate from "not at all" to "very much":
"I often leave a mess in my room."
"I can handle a lot of information."
Did I just blow your mind? If those questions don't define love, then I don't know what does. I know when I'm getting serious about a girl, I ask myself: "Are they tidy? Can they take notes quickly?"
Every time I see one of those seekwealthy.com commercials, I choke up a little bit. It's just too beautiful. I hope one day I am fortunate enough to go on television and publicly admit I couldn't find anyone that wanted to be with me and so I had to resort to the Internet, leaving me married to my third choice of my most compatible search results.
We all should be that lucky.
One of the better parts about Internet dating is that you don't even have to tell the truth! It's great! They can't even tell. For instance, let's say I was serial killer who liked to keep my victims' heads in my refrigerator. Total turn-off, right? All I have to do is put "not a serial killer… definitely not into that" under the occupation section and it's all good!
Facebook is really helping me out too. It's the most stalker-friendly site ever.
Let's say I like a girl and want to get to know her but I can't because I don't know her per se. All I have to do is go to her Facebook page, study her information, and I practically know her, maybe even more than her friends.
If I see my crush at a party and don't have anything to say, all I have to do is remember something I saw on her Facebook and say "Hey, you know what one of my favorite Coco Chanel quotes is? 'A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.'" It's a great icebreaker and not creepy at all. You should try it: It's golden.
The Internet has finally cut out the middleman – actually talking to people like rational human beings – out of love. I don't even have to go outside to find someone. Does life get any better?
Internet Dating & Online Dating
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http://www.millionairecupid.com/AskApril